Nov. 5, 2016

It is November 5, 2016.  I am having a hard time this morning...I am worried about the unknown.  I have been searching scripture for peace and I have been feeling inside of me nervousness, hunger and thirsty.  I got up and drank a glass of water first with some lemon.  Ha, I was told that is cleansing.  Not sure of that, but, hey, I did it.  I am going to make a nutrabullet shake with some vitamin filled veggies and fruit.  Margie was so sweet to bring me that machine.  You are supposed to drink it right away so the vitamins still get into your body.   I read stuff yesterday that is playing on my mind but at the same time, is making me aware of what the future could hold.  I read about dehydration because of lack of water in your system, about getting enough vitamins and minerals and ensymes.  The trouble is, I have not had a true diagnoses yet but only imaginary concerns.  What am I thinking about?  Ha, maybe I have cancer through my whole body and don't have long to live?   What happens then?   I believe in miracles but not sure about myself here.  Yesterday I had a good day.  I had slept well, I had some extra energy for a short time.  I felt there was "hope" for survival.  But, woke up this AM with anxiety again.  Wishing I could at least take a pill that would help a little with that.   That seems a little like you don't have "enough faith" to-get-you-through attitude.  I read devotions this morning and wished I could be helping the kids like I normally do, getting out and being busy and energetic.  Can't do that right now.  Wish I could.  Folding Ruthie's wash or doing Paul and Hailey's dishes or whatever is needed.  Even going swimming would be nice during the week:) Hm.
Agustin has been so kind to me.  He is desperate to help with whatever there is I need help with.  He is such a good massager and has been massaging my feet and hands when i take a nap or go to bed at night.  Sometimes I just want to hug him and do because he has been so faithful to me over the years.
I just had to write how I am feeling this morning...not on facebook for sure.
I felt confident yesterday about not getting nervous for the MRI tomorrow but today I am anxious again.  The way I react to one of those tests that I have never had or to surgery is, shaking, cold, nervous, etc.  Then, thinking about them not being able to find my arm veins...a usual for me.  The CT scan took so long for preparation that the guy couldn't find my veins for so long, he had to ask another guy to come in (after a half hour of trying).   I told them at the beginning I had bad veins and usually my blood work comes through my hand, not my arm.  That guy, John, explained that it was better through the arm because of the dye...ha.  It could escape and be painful.  Well, the next guy who came in, Bill, didn't care one bit, did a great job and went right into my hand...presto, done is sec and everything went quickly after that.
Tomorrow, I am hoping I can be relaxed just for this MRI.  Ruthie is driving and Agustin is going too.  No food for 4 hours before, not that I eat food but, hey, not smoothies anyway.
Today will be another beautiful day.  Given by our Creator and Redeemer.  That is a given.  I know that with all the people praying and me surrendering (that is the challenge here), things will occur today that will give me peace and hope and even joy.  Great is Thy faithfulness.  Help me dear Lord in heaven and right here beside me in Spirit to give it all to you.
One more thing I am asking of myself today....not to read stuff on the internet today that will bring me down and discourage me.  Truth is good, preparation for tests is good, but, not what has happened to others or not happened to others in this whole unknown scenario.
I am also hoping the Lord goes with us on Wednesday when we hear whatever the doc is going to tell us.  It is so human and negative to think the worst.  But, I look at our friend Katherine Bechtle Broadway and see what she is going through on a daily basis and can't even imagine what she thinks about in her "down" times and she has them I know.
Please my wonderful Lord.  "touch me and make me whole" at least in my thoughts and concerns..."I sing because I am happy, I sing because I'm free, His eye is on the sparrow and I know He is watching me".   Touch me Lord this morning as I wait on you with positive expectation and not negative thoughts.
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