What is Hope?

Today is another beautiful day in Lynchburg, VA.   I am up early thinking and praying.  
When I was first diagnosed in November, 2016, I was given several books by caring friends, one of which is "A Reason for Hope" by Michael Barry.  When I was first given the book, I read it immediately.  I thought and prayed a lot and was truly blessed by its' hope and encouragement.
Over the past few months,  I have not looked into these books since I did so a lot at one time.  Sure, I went on with life, chemo, thoughts, etc. but just didn't really go to them.
This past weekend, after reading the results from my CT scan and thinking about what is unseen in my body and wondering about nodules that have shown up on the scan, I started again to doubt and wonder again even though I feel quite healthy when I am not under the influence of the chemo side effects. Strange thing is that the part in the scan that says my pancreas tumor is hardly detectable doesn't "hit" me as much as the tiny nodules that show up in my lungs:)  Or that my tumor marker has gone up to 14 this last blood test!!!  It was around 8 - 9 for several months and even down to 2 once.  All this plays on my mind.
This morning when I woke up, made my coffee and tea in the quietness of the house, before anyone else has awakened, I got out my "hope" book.  Don't get me wrong, my Bible is really my "hope" book, but this "cancer hope" book has so much to say to me right now in my own journey.  
I went through a few hours over the weekend when I truly thought, maybe this is the beginning of the end with new spots showing up in my lungs.  However, my doctor pointed out that they were so small, they just should be "watched".  Even her attitude toward the spots was not negative but positive to my well-being.  But, I still felt "negative" and thought, "I really don't want to die yet".  Should I feel guilty about not wanting to die and going to heaven?:)   To be sure, I should not fear death, and I don't, but, I truly feel too healthy to "die" yet.  I truly feel I don't want to "leave" my surroundings, my daily life here, my supportive family.
I think that if I were not taking antidepressant meds, etc, I would be very sad and depressed by now.  However, because I take them, which I thoroughly believe help with my mind's "take" on this whole thing, I am given this "gift" of hopeful survival for a long time ahead, or at least a few months ahead😉
I think that when things start to spiral downward physically, God will give me the support and hope I will need to face whatever.
What am I trying to say here is this.  I really want to be well.  I want to stay around here for a while longer.  That chemo side effects drag my mind down.  That my hope for continued survival rests in my attitude toward living in God's plan.   As it says in Psalm 139:13-14:  "For you created my inmost being;  you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  
It also says in Proverbs 23:7..."For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he."  
Many researchers think that our attitudes play a big role on our health.  We are in this "play" but we are not the directors or the authors.   
As CS Lewis says in "The World's Last Night":  "But how can the characters in the play guess the plot?  We are not the playwright, we are not the producers, we are not even the audience.  We are  stage.  To play well the scenes in which we are "on" concerns us much more than to guess about the scenes that follow it."

Side Effects after Chemo # 25

     Today is the 5th day after  chemo treatment #25,  and it was by far the worst side effects I have felt in a long time.  I don't even know where to start except my mind was numb to prayer and to thinking yesterday.  However, today I pray and thank God this morning that I can pray and know He is with me whether I can think, function or not.
     So, yesterday, Thursday, I had the worst pain, vasovagal attack, cold sweats, hot flashing feelings and terrible diarrhea.  I could not be upright without fainting,  so I fixed my bed and myself for the "onslaught" of diarrhea and it came with a lot of pain and weakness.  I have not had this reaction in a long time but was so thankful that my husband, Agustin, who is always by my side, was there to bring comfort and help. 
     After the initial episode, the cleanup, I felt very weak but also my body was relieved in a certain way from the pain and the weakness that came with the vasovagal problem.  Don't get me wrong, by now we have a "plan of action" not to be "surprised" by the mess but are "ready". 
     Yesterday was also a day for "numbness" in my thinking process and I just happened to have been ready to bake the "Mimi's bread" that I have started again.   Juan and Agustin helped with that but my thinking process all day was like "numb" and weak.
     I just don't know how much more I can take of this chemo reaction.  How "brave" am I supposed to be?-   Everyone says, "you are amazing"...but, hey, God is the amazing ONE not me.   The pain and suffering is not quite what "I was brought up on:)"!    I think about how much longer  can I take this from the chemo.
     Right now, my tumor marker is up to 13, the highest it has been for awhile, however, it is still within "range".  My tumor size is very small but, then some very small nodules have shown up in my lungs which cannot be checked "yet" because they are too small for biopsy or PET scan (?).
      So, it has now been about 18 months since my tumor was measured at about 4 X 3 cm.  It is now down to about 7 X 9mm.  Interesting this cancer thing!
      I have heard about 3 people dying in the last few months from pancreatic cancer with all different stories than mine and that makes me think too, up to a point that is. 
       So, today is the day after the horrendous episode and I am feeling much better than yesterday, although still a tired.  Today we go for another round of fluid and life goes on.
       I hesitated whether or not to write about the negatives of chemo but, maybe someone out there would really like to know.  At least I have to vent, and this is my way.
      Meanwhile, I am thankful for so much in life and that is the way I think we have to be in God's plan for us.   
      James 4:14 ~ (NIV) "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.   What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."