From the devotional book "Praying Through Cancer"

Every day I read from this little devotional that a dear friend gave me a few weeks ago.  Today's entrance has a lot of meaning for all of us so I would like to share it.

28 Days of Prayer from "praying through cancer"

 by Todd Outcalt, Upper Room Books:

Psalm 103:13-16

AS a father has compassion for his children,

so the Lord has compassion for those who fear him,

For he knows how we were made;

he remembers that we are dust.

"Throughout my thirty-five years of pastoral ministry, I have had the opportunity and privilege to walk with people through stages of grief.  I learned that grief has many faces, may forms.  Grief can be debilitating, but it can also offer a release, a means by which people become empowered, focused, and refreshed.  I have seen this many times and also experienced it myself.

Some years ago, for example, I accompanied an elderly woman who had no family in the area to her first chemo-therapy treatment.  On the way to the treatment center, the woman broke down and began to sob, her grief spilling over in great waves of anguish.  As we talked, I learned that she had much unspoken grief in her life;  estranged children, unresolved issues with her deceased husband, and feelings of isolation.  But as she spoke of this grief, I could see a new strength...a kind of resolve...that was empowering her.

Suddenly, as we prepared to walk into the treatment center, she wrested herself free of the grief and said, "Well, I can't change the past.  I have work to do.  This is not what I wanted, but it's what I have.  And now I've got to do my best to face this cancer."

"I was at once amazed and inspired by her words.  Her grief had given way to acceptance, and she faced her chemo treatments with amazing determination and focus.  In that moment in the car, I knew she had found the strength she would need for her cancer journey.

But this change came after her grief...a refreshing, cleansing sadness that allowed her to unburden herself and name her past and her fears.  Subsequently, she felt empowered to look toward her future.

Today, allow your grief to be your strength.  Grief is not a bad emotion...especially if we are open to the acceptance that it brings.  AS Jesus says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" (Matt. 5:4)

What comfort do you need from God today?  What burden can you unload?  Do you face unresolved issues that you need to release into God's care?  Allow God to change you grief into strength."

PRAYER

"My Helper, thank you for allowing me to lay my burdens before you today.  I have many sadnesses in my life;  cancer is only one of them.  But I know you can change my heart and offer renewal.  In my grief, I pray that you will come to my side and strengthen me for the tasks and hurdles ahead.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but you know.  For that reason, I place my life in your hands, O God.  Amen."

From the Devotional book by Todd Outcalt in Praying Through Cancer

Twas 2 days after Christmas and all through the house......

   Tuesday, the day after Christmas day, was a day of recuperation (rest:) of sweet memories with my kids and grandkids...we did the usual Christmas traditions that have developed with my family and all went well.  Too much food but thankful I can eat it.
   I am gaining the weight back that I was trying to loose before I found out I had cancer and went to Weight Watchers.  Not sure how to deal with this because I have gotten into some bad habits with eating whatever I feel like.  I do continue to avoid pork, beef and high fat.  But, I love the sweets and that is my downfall until chemo week...not so appealing then.
   So, Christmas Eve day came (Sunday) and I was still tired from chemo.  I tried to practice once for "O Holy Night" which I wanted to sing that evening but I was too exhausted.  I know I was exhausted just because of the chemo side effects, the cold I got 6 weeks ago and was still getting rid of and the fact that I had not gone swimming in over 6 weeks because of the cold.   So, I did not sing at our service.
   But, I was well covered by our most worthy interim pastor who did a fine job singing it.  He not only preached, he sang in the choir, had the children's time, and welcomed us all to a wonderful service of worship, singing and communion.  I even got to sit with our family, something I have never gotten to do in all the years at our church during a Christmas Eve service, which was good for me:)
   Our little granddaughter "helped" Pastor Mike with the children's time by answering  all his questions and comments with her own helpful conversation.  We were sitting about 4 rows back and I couldn't hear everything said by her but she was right on it with him.  She has no fear or shyness of crowds, that is for sure.  She is one of the younger grand kids, now 5 years old:)  
   Last Thursday, the week of chemo, was  quite hard for me.  I really felt terrible but knew it would pass which it did over the next few days.  But, then one has to recuperate from that and start all over again.
   We have made our reservations for Colombia Feb. 5 - 23.  I am looking forward to it and hope I can eliminate one chemo before the trip and have an extra week to recuperate from the side effects before we travel.  It would be so helpful for me.  I am working on that:)   I need some warm, tropical weather too!
   I have been so blessed this year with cards from friends, emails, sweet gifts from friends and my wonderful family.  
   My last tumor marker was an 8 again which has been the last few times.  I don't really know what the future holds but I know it is a day to day, week to week journey.  How long it will be is not for us to know  at the moment.

    Psalm 117 (from the Message translation)

Praise God everybody!

Applaud God, all people!

His love has taken over our lives;

God's faithful ways are eternal.

Hallelujah!

'Twas the night before chemo and.......

   Tomorrow I will have another chemo treatment.   As a matter of fact, I have "learned" after all this time that waiting 3 weeks for a treatment makes me forget how badly I will feel tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday. For some reason, Tuesday isn't too bad(?).   By Friday I start to lose the nausea and maybe get diarrhea if I am really "lucky", that is if I didn't get it on Wednesday or Thursday.  The interesting thing about diarrhea is that you really have to watch how much you eat at one time and what you eat.  Then, if you do get it furiously, you just take 2 imodium tablets and that will stop you up for a few days, so no more diarrhea.  
    Another thing about chemo tomorrow is that it will be just 7 days before Christmas Eve and I will just see if I am up to singing "O Holy Night" at our Christmas Eve service which is at 5 PM.   Hm!
    So, the report this past week after the CT scan is:

"LIVER:  The liver is normal in size.  There is no suspicious focal liver lesion.  Mild hepatic steatosis."
"SPLEEN:  Prominent spleen, similar to prior.  Multiple splenic venous collaterals are again noted."
"PANCREAS:  the pancreas is overall unremarkable.  Decreased size and conspicuity of hypodensity and creatinine lesion noted to the left of the portal confluence on the prior study, measuring 13 x 12 mm [on axial image 21] (previously 19  x 16 mm)  No new suspicious focal lesions identified.  Atrophic changes involving the pancreatic body and tail."

   I am assuming that is a good report given I haven't really looked up all those words or received an explanation yet from my oncologist:)  So praise the Lord for His bountiful blessings on keeping me going for a while longer here in earth.
   And, Feb.6, we will leave for a few weeks in Colombia, visiting Agustin's family and enjoying some beautiful Colombian warm weather.  We will be back in time for another chemo treatment by February 26!
    Another Christmas, New Year's Eve and Colombian trip to look forward to with lots of prayer!

    
    

On with the "Blog"

   Over the past year I have learned so much from a side of life I never experienced before.   I learned that perseverance and hope, along with faith, bring us through new battles.   I have seen people pass into the next life because their "battle" here was over.  I believe it really has nothing to do with how they "fought" it themselves,  but that God was ready to take them in His timing.        And we, as humans will never really understand that "mystery".  In fact, in a favorite Bible verse that is sung in  Handel's Messiah as a beautiful bass solo:   From I Cor. 15:51, "Behold, I tell you a mystery, we shall not all sleep but we shall all  be changed, in the moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet,..."
    Yesterday I received news from a young mother who has "fought" cancer for over a year and has found her cancer is not spreading because of a pill she is taking. She has had surgeries and toxic chemo, but the Lord has her in His charge right here on earth right now:)
     Three years ago, our own daughter found she had CML, (leukemia) and takes a pill which blood tests show no cancer in the blood. 
      However, a few months ago, right on our street, a middle aged wife and mother found she had liver cancer and couldn't even be treated because she was too far gone. She passed within 3 months!
      Yesterday morning, our dear neighbor for over 37 years died of complications with cancer.  Believe me, the ones who died didn't "give up".   They always had determination to keep living, but when God is ready, you don't question the outcome.  You believe that because we are given life our lives are in God's hands when it is time to go on to the "better country" (Hebrews 11:19) .
My heart goes out to the families who have lost their loved ones this year.
    Yesterday I had a CT scan of my abdomen.  I had to drink barium flavored like a banana milkshake.  The trouble with the drink is what goes in has to come out.  I was also given a shot of radioactive stuff to help show up the tumor or whatever else needs to show up.   Both those "unhealthy" solutions have to be diluted in our bodies to get them through so as not to damage organs like kidneys.  So, instructions are to drink fluids all day!!!
     With all this being said, I will "patiently" wait until Monday, chemo, for the results of my ct scan.   The last 2 tumor markers were at an 8.   My last tumor measurement in February was 1 x 0.7 cm.  Wonder what it will be after yesterday's  CT scan?  
      I was just informed that my scan was FINE.   I want details and numbers, but I will be "patiently" waiting until Monday for that. (My oncologist is home sick:(
       Meanwhile, Christmas is coming, and the "stress" of it all is not bothering me in the least.  I may or may not be able to sing Christmas Eve "O Holy Night" as I wanted to but that is still pending depending on my side effects from chemo next week and the finishing up of my cold.
       A favorite Christmas hymn by Christina Rossetti:
       https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/53216/in-the-bleak-midwinter

Chemo, Thanksgiving, Christmas,Trip Plans....

    I think it is time I update my "blog".   It is nearly impossible to think, pray and hardly "enjoy life" during the chemo week.   But, God always brings about the HOPE that it will be over after about 5 days, so here we are.  Day 6 after chemo.      This time I was pounced with a "cold" about a day after my treatment which has proven to be another challenge on the immune suppressed system.   But, I have not had a cold/virus in over a year.  That is a PRAISE.   To watch how this works out will be interesting.
     Thanksgiving was fun.  Kathy's family, Ruthie's family, Paul's family, along with Andy Peak, Margie and George Harton and Agustin and I joined at Kevin and Juli Peak's newly built home in Evington, VA, for our wonderful traditional dinner.  We missed Andrea and John and family but they were with John's family.  
I stuffed and baked a turkey and Andy fried a turkey!  Margie brought sides and Sarah brought her home-made pies. Others shared their goodies and we had  fun and thankful times together.
     The week before my last chemo I was really feeling great, so I volunteered to sing on Christmas Eve at Peakland Baptist, our church, "O HOLY NIGHT", a traditional song I have sung for many years except last year or when I have been sick.  I really have the hope that I can do it even if it is 7 days after the next chemo (Dec.18).  Life is interesting these days when you plan short periods of time ahead and then HOPE and TRUST.  I have a great fall-back for the solo if I cannot do it, our interim minister, Dr. Michael Cheuk, can just do it for me or with me as a duet☺
     Which brings me to the next plan, and that is going to visit Agustin's family in Colombia.  I got "permission" from my doctor to schedule my chemo treatments so we can take a couple weeks in Colombia.   I look forward to seeing the family, enjoying the warm weather (in February or March?) and just feeling "normal".   I am, however,  apprehensive about several things about the trip.  I will have to be careful about germs and food I can eat and digest, etc.  But, with planning and God's help, we can make it down there and back...and, probably in wheelchairs at the airport☺Instead of doing the whole trip in one day, we will split it in 2 days going and returning.  The trip is tiring for "old" people like us☺☺HAHAHA   But, where there is a will there is a way, as my mother used to say so much☺
      Now for some thoughts on life this past year and what I have learned from books about cancer patients that are very important to me.
      One big thing I have learned is that the end of life is nearer than we may know just because we have cancer.  If we choose to use our time to forgive, forget, understand weakness in others, look to the Bible for Words of encouragement and growth, look to books written by people who want to share their experiences, we have a whole new set of challenges.  These challenges take place in every moment and day of our lives after our diagnoses and even before!
   Not holding grudges, keeping jealousy out of everyday family and friend life, and forgiving others happens to be a strong theme in most of the cancer books I have read.  Since we cancer patients feel we now have a "deadline" where it wasn't too pending before, holding bitterness, anger, resentment or regret are not part of God's plan for our lives. And, as a cancer patient, I am very aware of wanting "God's plan for my life" here and for eternity!  
    Thinking on to these holidays with my family whom I love deeply, I share this verse from Romans 15:13 (The Phillips Translation)

"May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace in your faith, 

that by the Power of the Holy Spirit,

your whole life and outlook 

may be radiant with HOPE."