More Mimi "blogger" thoughts today.....

Today is Sunday, May 21 and we didn't go to church.  Not feeling "up" to it.   Tired, down, you name it.   I don't blame anyone for the way I feel except myself  even though physically speaking, I am feeling healthy.  So, why do I feel this way?  Tomorrow will be #9 treatment which I missed last time because my platelets were too low in their opinion.
I read in one of my Christian cancer books that you should make goals for yourself.   But, make sure the goals aren't all materialistic goals or event goals, like living until Thanksgiving or Christmas or someone's birthday or even my granddaughter's graduation.  Because they will come and go and you won't have any more goals (which can play on your mind).
So, the goals you should make are goals about living each day to the fullest, living for God's purpose.  I really have to come to grips with this.  It is a serious and personal challenge when you are faced with side effects from chemo and maybe eventually from the cancer.  I honestly don't feel threatened by the cancer [yet].  I have been blessed with no pain.  However, there is always the underlying thought of the very tiny cancer cells on my liver.  But, they don't hurt nor do they cause me a problem, only in my subconscious that they are there and they are called mastitis on an MRI:)
I have pain in my hips (could be old age too:) probably from not exercising enough anymore in the last few months.  I am trying to walk around the block these days in hopes that that is temporary.  When Bill and Ruthie's pool gets warmer, I want to swim there.  I don't, however, want to deal with the sun too much.  I might get up enough nerve to unfreeze our membership at the Y, and go there, even if I am concerned about "germs":)
My hair is getting thinner and thinner and I think seriously about a wig.
All these things plus negative thoughts come to mind sometimes when I am trying to analyze life and feel discouraged by what I should be thinking as a believer in God as my creator and healer.  My book on cancer says:   "Having a personal reason to win is strong medicine in itself.  But here's an even better reason:  The Bible teaches us that God created us in His image (Gen.1:27-), that He knew us before we were born (Jer.1:5), and that He has created us for the singular purpose of glorifying Him ( 1 Cor. 10:31). " "Therefore, every day of our lives should be lived for the purpose for which God created us:  that we might live for Him and for Him alone.  Shouldn't our reason for wanting to live coincide with God's desire for our lives?  Doesn't  it make sense that if we want to optimize our chances for healing, our personal goals should be in harmony with God's goal that we glorify Him?"   According to this book, A Reason for Hope by Michael Barry, "there's nothing wrong with wanting to live to be 90 years old, but desiring to live in order to serve and glorify God brings higher purpose to our prayers and greater motivation for willing the body to fight."   
So, my challenge for this week is not to think on the negative, selfish side of my situation, but to think and pray for courage to believe in daily "healing" of mind and spirit with God's hope and help.  
That is my "sermon" for myself today:)

Mothers Day

     I had a great Mothers Day.    Yesterday Ruthie brought me a card and flowers, Agustin gave me flowers chosen by Kathy,  Kathy is getting me some nice new clothes that are more my size now that I have lost weight, and I had a sweet visit from Paul and Hailey and kiddos tonight to top off Mother's Day❤
     This AM Agustin and I went to the church service and out to eat Mexican.  I have not been out to eat Mexican since I was diagnosed back in November.  It was a treat even though I chose what I could eat and what I could not eat...still a pleasure feeling " normal" and having "quality" of life.            
    Today after church, I actually "hugged" people and was not obviously obsessing over "germs"☺
      I have been reading an interesting book called, "Love, Medicine and Miracles" by Bernie Siegel, MD.   I am learning a lot, even if I don't totally understand all of the ideas he suggests.☺
     Another book I read before that was "A Reason for Hope:  Gaining Strength for Your Fight Against Cancer" by Michael Barry.  This was really inspiring to me and both books suggest that our immune systems can be influenced by our thinking, our praying, our loving, and our peace of mind.  That no doctor is going to be able to "determine when a person has reached the end of his or her life."  They can relate statistics but only God determines the length of our days on earth.
    For example,  at the beginning of this new journey in my life, I thought I would just go the obvious way of hospice since pancreatic cancer was such a fatal kind of cancer. Statistics say that I could have had only 6 months without any chemo.   Since then, I have learned much more about what is going on in my body and have seen results from a shrinking tumor after lots of prayer, strong chemo and the hope that comes from knowing that my attitude can and does influence what is going on at the moment with the cancer. I am in my fifth month since diagnoses and don't expect to be dying this year, at least☺
     I have not been lonely, I have not felt unloved, I have an appetite with no pain which really surprises me and have such tremendous emotional support from my family, friends, books I read, meditation with God and scripture,  and the medical staff at the cancer center.  I have never thought that I was a "fighter" but I do think now that my "fight" is to be a survivor for as long as I can.  This can only come with  "hope, courage, clarity of purpose, and assurance of God's love for me."
     A big challenge I have for next week when I go in for chemo (May 22) is to hope that my platelet count is up.  But most of all, that I won't feel nauseated as we approach the day of chemo and walk  into the cancer center.   I am learning that one's  mind can influence the way one "feels" and if I can think the opposite of feeling nauseated as I enter the cancer center, that may help for the rest of the week.   That will be my prayer anyway.
     I have also thought that all the chemo preparation they give you at the beginning can be taken in a negative way.  The day we went in for "chemo counselling", we were told about all the side effects that could come.  IT was emphasized that I may or may not have these side effects but psychologically they were already being instilled  into my thinking.   That is how I feel at the moment about nausea.  I cannot possibly be nauseated by just walking into a cancer center before I have even started the chemo treatment!!!  So, that will be my challenge next week.
      Now for the update on my sister Margie's health.  She is still suffering from constant coughing and weakness.  But, she saw an ENT Allergy specialist and has found out that she will need surgery to remove hardened infection that has adhered to all sinus cavities and vocal folds not treatable by antibiotics at this point.   She is waiting for the surgery to be scheduled.  This sinus condition evidently has been going on for several years but was never diagnosed until the CT scan of her sinuses last week.  
      We always have something to pray about and I will be praying for her relief and for the return of her good health in plenty of time for their wedding Aug. 12. ❤  She will marry Dr. George Harton.
        
     Psalm 31:24   "BE STRONG AND TAKE HEART, ALL YOU WHO HOPE IN THE LORD."

       Children of the Heavenly Father

   

So Many Thoughts Today...

Today is Wednesday, May 10, 2017.   I was told on Monday that my platelets were a little low to have chemo.  So, I "adjusted" the best I could to  that fact and have had a "normal" type week, called "quality time" in my book:)     It still amazes me how I can go about my daily chores when I don't have  chemo hanging over my head.  I have no pain!
Today we enjoyed seeing the youngest grandchildren come over and help Papa pick up small sticks from the yard that get crumbled from the lawn mower that our neighbor Eddie so generously cuts for us all year.   They followed Papa around and they filled up their containers.  Guess what?   Papa donated money for their hard work. They got a special treat too...a black snake which they have named "Curvy" and 2 turtles Papa has "caught"...one is named Anna and the other is waiting for a name!   I don't indulge myself in the outdoor life of wild creatures in the yard☺.  Sebastian is very knowledgeable about making sure we keep "Curvy" safe so he can protect us from rodents.  Hm!!  
So, I was on the inside with  Mommy Hailey, baby MacGyver and Gideon who loves to play with all the toys under the piano.  Today he and Baby Mac had a ball tearing up paper all over the floor.  What a treat for Mac.  I doubt he has ever gotten to do that before:) He is one big guy for 6 months, bald, but blond hair coming and blue eyes, just like his sister Ellington.
After they left, I took a nap and then started making dinner.  Now the history behind me making dinner this week is because the people who volunteered to bring us dinner during chemo week were notified that I didn't have chemo so could they please bring it in 2 weeks when I do have chemo☺
We are so appreciative for the times we are blessed with dinners from friends.
Anyway, back to making dinner.  I wanted to make dinner for my sister since she got back last night from Baltimore and is still quite sick.  She had survived the trip back from Turkey but is weaker and coughing more than ever.  Tomorrow she will see another doctor...an allergy ENT specialist.  She saw a pulmonary doctor in Turkey with tests, had blood work drawn and was told she had a bacterial infection.  She has had CT scans of her lungs here and a chest X-ray here and there.  Actually was on a very strong antibiotic there, but, still quite ill.   IT is quite concerning to all of us, especially to her!  
Maybe tomorrow will give us more hope on the situation.  Meanwhile, I continue to pray for her health and immune system to  fight this off.  Prayers are being prayed daily on her behalf and she has been the one who wanted to help me through all my stuff.  God gives us strength for when others need it!
A reassuring Psalm for us tonight is:   Psalm 121

"I lift up my eyes to the hills.  From whence does my help come?  My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.  He will not let your foot be moved, he who keeps you will not slumber.   Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.  The LORD is your keeper;  the LORD is your shade on your right hand.  The sun shall not smite you by day, nor the moon by night.  The Lord will keep you from all evil;  he will keep your life.  The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and for evermore."

Disappointment or relief?

I went in to chemo this AM never expecting not to "pass" my blood test....I was under the number for platelets that I am allowed to have  for a chemo treatment.   Platelets are tiny blood cells that form clots to stop bleeding.  
It was a weird feeling being told my count was under the normal range for having a chemo treatment.  Since I was psyched up for it, already felt nausea coming on just from being there!!!    And bingo, no chemo.   It took me awhile to get over that "trauma".  (it wasn't really that traumatic:):)
But, when I got home and realized I didn't have to have the pump on and didn't feel like I couldn't eat because of unappetizing sensations when I do have chemo, I got over it.
The day was gorgeous but I stayed in because I took a nap.  
As  I reflect on the day, I once again realized that God's plans are not always our plans and we have to be ready to "adjust" to His will and way.
I was asked by several people if I was disappointed that I didn't have chemo.  I was in the sense, that I felt if I didn't have it, something was going to go wrong with me.  But, the fact is, if I did have it under those circumstances, my platelets would have dropped even more and much more trouble would have ensued my otherwise "fighting" body.  
So, I was relieved that I didn't have to have it and I will have it in 2 weeks after the sigmoidoscopy is over.  
I will still feel well to go to Sarah's graduation and her party afterwards....
Life is good and we play together the game of life.  
Even though these verses are taken out of context from Jeremiah, they are comforting words.  (vs. 11)  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."   

The Week after chemo #8

I had chemo on April 24, the 8th treatment.   I realize that Chemo #12 is not the last that I will ever have, but, it is a goal as far as my mind is concerned.
As to side effects this time, I only took phenergan once the afternoon I was getting the pump off and getting fluids.  This time I felt that I would try to eat every few hours to ward off nausea instead of taking a pill.  The trouble is, with this comes not feeling like eating since nothing is very appetizing.  Appetizing means that your taste buds in your mouth are not picking up much.  But, I managed to get through the nausea by eating instead of pills.  Yay!!!!
Not only did the nausea cease after a few days with eating small amounts, but I did not get the usual diarrhea episodes.  That has me fooled this time!!!.   I hadn't  had chemo  since March 31, so I had a long span of relief from side effects in that time.   I also could eat most anything that I eat nowadays without problems, but maybe a little constipation because of lack of fiber.  (Since this is my "blog" I can mention anything  I wantt:)
Since Saturday and Sunday, I have been eating much more.   I eat small amounts and have added some fresh fruit without skins and cooked veggies this week to my regular chicken or turkey.  I actually bought some fish this week which I have missed.  I may make it this week since next week I won't feel too much like cooking.
Today I bought steamed shrimp at Krogers, cooled it and ate shrimp for lunch:)   Funny thing is, I was craving a donut so bought a few of those at Krogers and ate that for lunch too.  .  Of course, my Weight Watchers' program  is no longer part of my life  since I have now lost about 20 lbs. in other ways:):)    Just have a donut, cake, chocolate chip cookies, etc  and not worry about it:):):).
I do not eat fried things or fat. only low fat if I have to.  The donut will not be bothersome unless I make it a habit.  I take a special prescription pancreatic enzyme 3 times a day called Creon that really helps things digest well in my system.
I start Treatment #9 on Monday and then will not have another treatment until June 5th.  I was told at the beginning of all this that I could only have 6 months to live if I didn't take any treatments...This means that I will see Sarah graduate from New Covenant on June 3.  I will be having a sigmoidoscopy on May 17 to check out my lower intestinal tract for reasons for possible swelling.  No big deal now that I have been through so much already:)  I have no pain or discomfort.
As of 2 treatments ago, I have noticed my hair getting very thin on the top...not old age:)  May have to look into a wig if I get through all this chemo.
I also have noticed more neuropathy in my feet and legs but haven't fallen or lost my balance yet.  I can still "feel" the pedals when I drive.  Whoopee!!!!   But, Agustin rubs my feet a lot and uses his massage reflexology techniques on my feet.  I never refuse his offers and he does it almost every night when I need it.
OK>   So, I am anxiously waiting for my sister and her fiance to get back from Turkey where they are visiting George's daughter and family.  Aside from being sick the whole time there, she is enjoying the children alot.  There are 8.   I am praying for Margie.  She seems to be under very  good medical care there. She was told over there by a pulmonologist that she has a bacterial infection.   Did she have to go all the way there to find this out?   Hopefully she will be well enough to travel back this weekend.   She is on 2 antibiotics and 3 meds.
As far as the trip goes, and the 3 planes involved, I  told them wheelchairs are the best way to travel for people our age these days if you have to walk a lot  in the airport:):)   They will be gaining 7 hours as they travel back.
Had a good check-up with one of my cardiologists, and although I have a left Bundle Branch Block, I have had no  Afib episodes in the last 8 months so all is well on that front:)
Our daughter Ruthie had to go off her Sprycell last week for her CML.  She is taking a diuretic for a side effect that has developed  from this drug.  In a few weeks, our oncologist will check her blood and put her on another chemo pill that we hope will continue to ward off her leukemia as well.  I pray for her since she is an active, helpful, wonderful  daughter as are our other children I might add:)
I have had a chance to read some books lately from various walks of life and have thoroughly enjoyed them. All recommended by friends:
"A Reason for Hope"  ~   Michael Barry  (Gaining Strength for Your Fight Against Cancer)
"Love, Period.  When All Else Fails"   ~   Rudy Rasmus
"Marriage Takes More Than Love"   ~   Jack and Carole Mayhall
" Love, Medicine & Miracles"   ~   Bernie Siegel, MD  (Just started this one:)
I have so much to be thankful for within our own family situation and listening to other cancer patients as they go through their unique and grateful hopeful lives.  None of us know "our time", but those of us who are faced head on with a  life threatening disease have learned to be thankful for each day and  to be thankful for life itself.  I am grateful that I don't  have pain.  That would really be challenging for me I think.  But, I believe that God would continue to give the strength and hope I would need to get through it whichever way it would take me.
Proverbs 3:5-6    "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, In all  your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct  your paths."   These verses always come to mind these days just because we are asked by the Lord, to make sure we acknowledge Him as Lord of our lives and He promises to direct our lives.   Always a reassurance for me!