Second AM of Second week of Gemzar-Abraxane

     I woke up at 3:30AM, but not in any pain or discomfort, just AWAKE.  I am still taking a steroid that is probably why.  I prayed for my family members whose lives are all close together since we live so close and "know" mostly what is going on with each one.  To me, this is not a burden but a praise and gift from God for each one of us.  We respect each other, we share and we keep confident as much as a family can living so close.
     Yesterday was my appointment and second infusion with the Gem Brax.   Blood work is always taken for many things with many abbreviations which I don't know or remember the names, but 2 always stand out for my situation.  One is the tumor marker called CD-19 on my chart.  It tells if the cancer is growing in my body.   Last summer,  at one time the cancer marker went all the way down  to a 2.  It started out at a 4000+ two years ago.   When the last chemo, Folfirinox,  stopped working a few months ago, my tumor marker started creeping up and the CT scan showed growth somewhat in the tumor plus spots in my lungs.   Now the tumor marker has fluctuated up to 149 and has stayed there from Oct. 2 until Oct. 22.  Today or tomorrow I will check to see if yesterday's count will have improved after just one infusion of the Gem Brax.
    The other number I watch is for the platelets.  If they go below 100, they don't want to do the infusion.  They were up in "good standing" when I was not having chemo, to about the 160s, but after just one infusion with this "new" chemo, it was down to 111 yesterday.  So, what does this mean?  This mean that when I go in there next Monday, have the blood work done, this may very well be down below or on 100.   With the other chemo, I was given a shot of Neulasta to help with platelets, but with this chemo, Neulasta lasts for more days than between chemo treatments so I guess that isn't good(?)   Not sure how all that works, so we will leave it there....just what a friend told me, I didn't question the doc yet because we haven't really "faced" that yet.  There is probably some other shot they give more short term if it gets to be  a problem and  the platelets don't go up enough every other week.
     Meanwhile, if platelets are up high enough, I continue with this regimen until it no longer works or the side effects become too much for this "old body"....btw, this "old body" still feels young at heart:)
    (From my sister this morning, Neulasta is to stimulate the bone marrow to make white blood cells, particularly Neutrophils (hence the name). These cells protect you from picking up colds, flu, etc.   Platelets are a measure of clotting ability in our blood. We risk excessive bleeding when they are low.
Love, Your Sis, RN)
    So, early this morning, an old anthem that we used to sing many times as a choir and as I directed as  choir director was, "Rejoice in the Lord Always".  I cannot find a performance of the arrangement we sang, (I think from Henry Purcell and arranged by Gordon Young(?) on youtube)
 so will just quote the lyrics which I may or may not quite remember:)

    "Rejoice in the Lord Always and again I say rejoice, Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice.   Be careful for nothing, but in everything with prayer and   thanksgiving, make your requests be made known unto God.  May the peace of God which passeth all understanding keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ Our Lord."    Taken from Philippians 4:6-7   

End of First Week of Gemzar Abraxane - Saturday

    Well. life is full of new and "exciting" adventures with side effects.  At least for me.  I am sure many other people have already felt the same side effects and have taken the same meds to counteract the pain.
So, for at  least the last 3 days, I have had much more painful neuropathy than ever before.  I was told I would surely get it.  But, having legs and feet that hurt is not my idea of comfort.
    However, all you have to do is call the doc and you get prescriptions to counter the side effects...more drugs, but, hey, relief anyway.  So, the phrase that says "the chemo will kill you before the cancer" does have some weight to it maybe.
    Anyway, I took 2 Gabapentin pills last night and it still didn't "kill" the whole painful, leg thing, so I took Tylenol later and that did it...right to sleep and when I woke up I was doped up and no pain:)  Good feeling when you want to go back to sleep.
    Today, I am supposed to take a steroid for 5 days called  Dexamethasone.   That will be the next adventure.
    Meanwhile, not sure about driving but feeling much better otherwise as far as the "chemo funk" and weakness go. 
    As far as this "blog" is concerned, this is my way of keeping a record of my living through side effects and cancer!  For sure, if I didn't write it, I couldn't remember it😉
    Today is a NEW DAY to be lived in good health as we continue the adventure of living and breathing and seeking God in everything!

Middle of the Week of Week One of Gemzar Abraxane

    So, life starts again on chemo with new side effects such as achiness, weakness, more neuropathy in my legs and feet and all over "chemo funk".   Only those who have experienced  chemo side effects probably know that singular feeling of "chemo funk" (my phrase) that is not describable to compare with anything else.
    This morning, day 4, was the worst and now I am starting to feel a bit better.  I do not have pain and I am not nauseated, but I have been taking a med called Nexium that seems to help with the abdominal pain.  If I have the pancreas pain in my side and back, I will take Tylenol which works well for me right now:) I do have to take something for constipation since for weeks, I was loose every time I voided.   (Sorry for the "personal" descriptions but that is how it is!!)
    I am prayerfully thinking of several people whom I know going through much worse than I am at this point.  They have fought and are still fighting for their lives and for their family's lives.  I want to believe that the Lord brings us through our lives to eternity with His everlasting arms under us, with meds nowadays to carry us through the transition.  I believe it is a transition to our eternity with the Lord.
    The next weeks will be my transition into hair loss which I don't look forward to.  I always appreciated my hair when it was brown and when it turned white.  Never considered I would ever go bald.  I guess something that God wants us to learn is humility and that is what I will "study" in this new adventure of chemo therapy!
    By the way, I questioned my doctor about the spots in my lungs which have matasticised from the pancreas tumor.  The cells in the spots are from the pancreas tumor, not lung cancer.   So, this chemo is supposed to work on both if it works.   Also, my doctor is working on getting a pill called OLAPARIB, a targeted therapy,  that might slow down or stop the growth of the DNA in the cancer cells.   Not sure what that is all about, but hope is hope when it comes to cancer research.  Since no trials were open near us in VA, I opted not to go for any trials farther away.
   

Late Night Thoughts written down in the Morning

    Certain Biblical sacred solo texts from my past come to mind sometimes when I am lying in bed late, not being able to sleep even though I take a small dose of Ativan:)   Here is a song that came to mind this morning which describes what happened to me last night!  I am so thankful that I have so many hymn texts and Biblical song texts embedded in my memory from all the years of singing:)  
     Dvorak wrote 10 Biblical songs back in 1894 when he was living for 2 years in NYC.   I have sung some of them at some point, but one of the texts came to mind last night as I was lying in bed, trying to go to sleep,  wondering what was in store for me in the next few weeks and months.
    I lay there thinking negatively (which means dying of cancer) about my future.  I really try not to do that most of the time, but it seems that late at night is when thoughts crawl in...the fact that I have been having some abdominal pain, fatigue, and taking Tylenol now about once or twice a day wears on my mind.  Even the thoughts of starting chemo next week that may or may not "work"! 
    I have no other symptoms but then I think about my CT scan Thursday night and imagine that my whole body is full of cancer.  I imagine all the negative things that come into my head and then I feel guilty.  I have read so many times that attitude and positive thinking are what keep us cancer patients (victims) going, that faith in the Lord's care should be our focus.  But then, when pain comes and tiredness, I am weak in my mind and heart.  My only HOPE is keeping the faith God provides if I listen!  
      So, this  song came up into my mind, the part which says, "the fear of death overwhelms me", "Hear my sighing....."

3. Hear my prayer (Psalm 55:1-8)

Hear my pray'r, O Lord, my God ! 

Hide not Thy face from my petition.

Bow Thine ear to me, 

and hearken unto the voice of my mourning, 

to the voice of my mourning.

Pained sore is my heart within, 

and trembling hath fallen upon me, 

the fear of death overwhelms me.

Hear my sighing.

Oh, had I but eagle's pinions, 

had I wings like the silver dove!

Far away would I wander, 

I would hide me in the wilderness.

On wings I would hasten 

to hide from the storm, 

the storm and fearful tempest.

Life is a Journey of Faith and Hope

     I have waited several weeks to update this "blog" because I really didn't know what the next steps would involve and still really don't.  But, the plan is this!
Since no trials are open or working in Virginia at this time, and I have felt that going out of VA is a lot of hassle for myself and everyone in the family, I will just start "Plan B" with the chemo called  Gemzar Braxane.
      On Oct. 18, I am scheduled to  attend a chemo counseling session about the side effects of this "cocktail" as some call it.  AS far as I am concerned, the last chemo counseling session was long and drawn out and put facts in my head that never really happened.  Also, I asked the nurse who called me why I had to go to another session when I had already had 2 years of chemo.  She said it was a different chemo...ha.  AS far as I am concerned, we all react to different chemos in different ways, so why not just wait and see, is my answer to that.  But, I didn't argue, I just made the appointment and asked how long the session would take...she said, 45 minutes.  I may change my mind before the appointment.
        I am scheduled for a CT scan next Friday, Oct.18.  That means more barium before it. Fun week ahead with more birthdays and out of town visitors💜
        I will then have my oncologist appointment on Monday, Oct. 22.
Who would have thought (in my "old age"), I would be making decisions about my daily health issues and "future" in this way.   But, I am so thankful for my family, friends here and afar, medical advisers and prayer warriors who have taken up care and love for my existence here on earth.
       Visitors here and afar, phone calls, cards, food, still being able to look at life going by, blue skies, bright and sunny days, cool water to swim in:), walking through the neighborhood, being honored for years of singing at the synagogue coming up on Oct. 19😃, the love of God surrounding me daily with HOPE and FAITH!!!
     How blessed I am. 
                                                         

Next Steps in Cancer Treatment

Today was a day with mixed emotions.
First of all, it is my 77th. birthday.  So, having a birthday is a happy time when everyone celebrates you and your life.  I have received so many calls, cards, wonderful care from my husband, sister, brother-in-law and family tonight with a special dinner at Ruthie's house.   What more can you want in life?
Then there is the other side of the day which was filled with a conference with my oncologist who listed my options for the next steps.  I was diagnosed with pancreas cancer, adenocarcinoma 2 years ago, November, 2016!
I must admit, that talking about trials, mutations, cells, cancer and DNA is not one of my specialties in understanding.  I sat there not really understanding all the details but was glad my sister took some notes and my brother-in-law understood what the doctor was talking about.
So, from what I gather, I have 3 options:
1.   I could qualify for a trial.   Finding a trial in a location that is convenient and travelling back and forth is a big factor in a decision.   These are studies.  My cancer does qualify for 2 trials as I understand it that are given somewhere in VA.  With the trials offered, and I actually qualify, I still would have to take a kind of chemo along with it which means side effects, etc.  Dealing with that away from home bothers me, at least in the way I understand it right now.  I might consider going as far as UVA though...
2.  Another option is to start up on another kind of chemo called Gemzar Abraxane.   I would have the same side effects but not as toxic or hard on my body, but I would lose my hair this time!  How about that?  That whole thought itself is demeaning for me.  Dr. Paul described some kind of cold cap they put on your head to keep the chemo from going to your hair roots which will not let your hair fall out.  I guess it is like an ice pack on your head.  Yikes!  Hm! 
3. No more chemo.   Which leads me to the fact that when I went to Johns Hopkins at the beginning of my cancer research, I was asked if I would find the medical field or the holistic field the way I would go.  I told them I would go with the traditional medical field.   Which brings me now to thinking on the other side of treatment which many people have chosen over the medical field....holistic, natural, organic, etc. diet.   Our son pointed out to me  today that many people opt to go "natural" with organic veggies, fruits, juicing, no sugar, no carbs, etc.  That takes total discipline and I would really have to gear myself into another way of thinking around the cheetos and chocolate I like so much:)
So, there is the story of today.
I am off to see the wonderful family I have for a birthday supper at the Gillespies.
Not thinking too much tonight about what I will sleep on since I told the doctor I would let her know in a few days what I had decided.   As I understand it, if I go for a trial, I would not start chemo.  If I go with chemo, I may not qualify for a trial.   Can't win!!
I will pray about this and ask God to lead my thoughts to make a decision with my family's confidence, encouragement and care for me.
What do I have to lose if I opt for a  a healthy diet with no more extreme medicines that make me feel sick?  Life here on earth is a gift but eternity is waiting for each one of us when God is ready.
I will be praying for peace in my decision and I hope anyone reading this will pray with me for that outcome.