Side Effects after Chemo # 25

     Today is the 5th day after  chemo treatment #25,  and it was by far the worst side effects I have felt in a long time.  I don't even know where to start except my mind was numb to prayer and to thinking yesterday.  However, today I pray and thank God this morning that I can pray and know He is with me whether I can think, function or not.
     So, yesterday, Thursday, I had the worst pain, vasovagal attack, cold sweats, hot flashing feelings and terrible diarrhea.  I could not be upright without fainting,  so I fixed my bed and myself for the "onslaught" of diarrhea and it came with a lot of pain and weakness.  I have not had this reaction in a long time but was so thankful that my husband, Agustin, who is always by my side, was there to bring comfort and help. 
     After the initial episode, the cleanup, I felt very weak but also my body was relieved in a certain way from the pain and the weakness that came with the vasovagal problem.  Don't get me wrong, by now we have a "plan of action" not to be "surprised" by the mess but are "ready". 
     Yesterday was also a day for "numbness" in my thinking process and I just happened to have been ready to bake the "Mimi's bread" that I have started again.   Juan and Agustin helped with that but my thinking process all day was like "numb" and weak.
     I just don't know how much more I can take of this chemo reaction.  How "brave" am I supposed to be?-   Everyone says, "you are amazing"...but, hey, God is the amazing ONE not me.   The pain and suffering is not quite what "I was brought up on:)"!    I think about how much longer  can I take this from the chemo.
     Right now, my tumor marker is up to 13, the highest it has been for awhile, however, it is still within "range".  My tumor size is very small but, then some very small nodules have shown up in my lungs which cannot be checked "yet" because they are too small for biopsy or PET scan (?).
      So, it has now been about 18 months since my tumor was measured at about 4 X 3 cm.  It is now down to about 7 X 9mm.  Interesting this cancer thing!
      I have heard about 3 people dying in the last few months from pancreatic cancer with all different stories than mine and that makes me think too, up to a point that is. 
       So, today is the day after the horrendous episode and I am feeling much better than yesterday, although still a tired.  Today we go for another round of fluid and life goes on.
       I hesitated whether or not to write about the negatives of chemo but, maybe someone out there would really like to know.  At least I have to vent, and this is my way.
      Meanwhile, I am thankful for so much in life and that is the way I think we have to be in God's plan for us.   
      James 4:14 ~ (NIV) "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.   What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."