What is Hope?

Today is another beautiful day in Lynchburg, VA.   I am up early thinking and praying.  
When I was first diagnosed in November, 2016, I was given several books by caring friends, one of which is "A Reason for Hope" by Michael Barry.  When I was first given the book, I read it immediately.  I thought and prayed a lot and was truly blessed by its' hope and encouragement.
Over the past few months,  I have not looked into these books since I did so a lot at one time.  Sure, I went on with life, chemo, thoughts, etc. but just didn't really go to them.
This past weekend, after reading the results from my CT scan and thinking about what is unseen in my body and wondering about nodules that have shown up on the scan, I started again to doubt and wonder again even though I feel quite healthy when I am not under the influence of the chemo side effects. Strange thing is that the part in the scan that says my pancreas tumor is hardly detectable doesn't "hit" me as much as the tiny nodules that show up in my lungs:)  Or that my tumor marker has gone up to 14 this last blood test!!!  It was around 8 - 9 for several months and even down to 2 once.  All this plays on my mind.
This morning when I woke up, made my coffee and tea in the quietness of the house, before anyone else has awakened, I got out my "hope" book.  Don't get me wrong, my Bible is really my "hope" book, but this "cancer hope" book has so much to say to me right now in my own journey.  
I went through a few hours over the weekend when I truly thought, maybe this is the beginning of the end with new spots showing up in my lungs.  However, my doctor pointed out that they were so small, they just should be "watched".  Even her attitude toward the spots was not negative but positive to my well-being.  But, I still felt "negative" and thought, "I really don't want to die yet".  Should I feel guilty about not wanting to die and going to heaven?:)   To be sure, I should not fear death, and I don't, but, I truly feel too healthy to "die" yet.  I truly feel I don't want to "leave" my surroundings, my daily life here, my supportive family.
I think that if I were not taking antidepressant meds, etc, I would be very sad and depressed by now.  However, because I take them, which I thoroughly believe help with my mind's "take" on this whole thing, I am given this "gift" of hopeful survival for a long time ahead, or at least a few months ahead😉
I think that when things start to spiral downward physically, God will give me the support and hope I will need to face whatever.
What am I trying to say here is this.  I really want to be well.  I want to stay around here for a while longer.  That chemo side effects drag my mind down.  That my hope for continued survival rests in my attitude toward living in God's plan.   As it says in Psalm 139:13-14:  "For you created my inmost being;  you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  
It also says in Proverbs 23:7..."For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he."  
Many researchers think that our attitudes play a big role on our health.  We are in this "play" but we are not the directors or the authors.   
As CS Lewis says in "The World's Last Night":  "But how can the characters in the play guess the plot?  We are not the playwright, we are not the producers, we are not even the audience.  We are  stage.  To play well the scenes in which we are "on" concerns us much more than to guess about the scenes that follow it."