Deep Thoughts on the Latest Report

      Friday was my CT scan to determine if the Lynparza is working the expected "miracle" on the tumors.   I received an early phone call from my doctor that it was not.  That the tumors in the pancreas and liver were larger but the ones in the lungs were the same.
I was almost asleep for my afternoon nap when the call came from Dr. Paul who told me this.  We talked about it with what questions I came up with at that moment in time.  It was also the afternoon of our son's fortieth birthday celebration which Hailey had planned  for that evening. 
      This call came about 1:30 PM.   I wasn't really shocked but I was saddened.   I asked her several questions that came to mind like, "what is next?"; "how will things be?", etc. 
      She told me that she wanted me to know before anyone else read the report since she knew I make arrangements to pick up the report as soon as it is ready!   She told me that, to her disappointment, there was nothing more she knew to do or try at this time.  She told me that it seemed that my pain was related to maybe the tumor from the pancreas (in its' location) was pressing on my stomach thus causing the pain in my upper left side.  She told me that probably things would get worse as far as pain and swelling.   She asked me if I wanted her to call hospice before she left for the week off she had next week, or wait for our next appointment (July 22).   I asked her if it was that urgent that it couldn't wait, and she said, oh no, you can wait.  I said, "good", I will wait.  I told her about the party that night and she suggested I not tell anybody until the next day...but I had to tell Ruthie since she was questioning me about picking up the report!  
        So, that is the latest.  I have not taken any more Lynparza according to her suggestion that they don't help.  Of course, the big question from my family is, aren't they helping a little with the lung tumors???    I have no answer for that except if one is in hospice, one cannot be on any chemo!
         I must admit, after I heard the "news" on Friday afternoon, I was lying in bed for the nap, and cried because this is the first time I am experiencing the idea of leaving my family and leaving my life here as it is now. 
        So, as I cried, calling out to God,  I prayed that He would help me have peace in my mind and heart.  I then fell asleep for the nap and woke up with hope, excitement for the party and very well "hiding" the latest news from Agustin, Kathy and Paul.
      The party was wonderful for me.   So enjoyable seeing old friends and family.  Lovely "event" planned for a wonderful occasion by our "star event planner"....Hailey Hermosa👍 
       So, with this in mind, there has been a lot of soul searching on "the next chapter"....how long will it be?, how much pain and disability will be involved?
       I know I will have great visits and security and love poured out to me.  I also know we will uphold each other as we  cry and we cry together. 
       I plan to really take each day now as a celebration of life and now, closer maybe than I know, the life to come.
       I have been reading scripture having to do with things I really don't understand but is still, nevertheless, in the Bible written by those prophets and disciples who were inspired to share.  I don't understand it all but, I do understand and believe God has it all, that He will share in His timing and in His will.
      Meanwhile, I watch and hear about others' journeys as they live through pain, but they still live here for a reason.  Some are young and have young children, some are older, like me....and they live.  I intend to live in God's will as long as He permits.  I don't want to die YET, but now it is up to Him and my own body with the "battle" to live for awhile longer.

2 Corinthians 5:1-4,8-9 New Living Translation (NLT)

New Bodies

1.  For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2.   We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3.   For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies. 4.  While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. 

 8. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. 9. So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him.