Treatment #11

Last Monday,  I went in for my 11th treatment of Folfirinox.   I was so over the side effects after a 3 week break, I forgot how horrible I would feel, and sure enough, I felt horrible.  What makes me feel the worst is the nausea and the diarrhea.  Actually, only 2 bouts of diarrhea in 2 days isn't  bad when you think about it except for the onslaught when it comes....I won't go into detail about that or the incontinence that plagues me from this chemo which is something I would rather not endure much longer.  Not to speak of the nausea and disgust for food and taste of water for a few days.....oh yes, and after the diarrhea and taking immodium, you get the opposite😖
I was told at the onset that it was a very toxic blend of chemicals and that if I didn't take any chemo, or get some kind of treatment, I would have about 6 months...at least that is what the doctors get from their "statistics".  I was also told I could stop at any time and believe me, this time I thought I wanted to stop, but...."He that shall endure to the end shall be saved"...a crazy way to take a Bible verse out of context, but, I guess I will go to #12, endure it, then get the MRI.  From there I will ask the doctor to look for other ways and send my MRI report and CD to Johns Hopkins for their recommendation for a trial or immunotherapy and whatever my dear doctor recommends.  At this point, I doubt if I will opt for more chemo!!!!  Sometimes I think that is worse than the cancer.
I am continually in awe of how I have reacted to the chemo in shrinking the tumor.   A tumor that was 4 cms and is down to about 1cm  Of course, we are dealing also with the liver.  I do know that this blood work, this week, showed that my tumor marker is now down to 4.76.....when it started out over 4,000+.
Along with the chemo effects, during the hard week, I also experience lack of thinking skills as well.  Sometimes it is even hard to pray.  When I say it is hard to pray, I don't mean that God is not still right beside me, holding me up somehow, but He is also there when I start getting out of the side effects.  
Today, for the first time in many months, I actually sang in the shower a song that sticks with me constantly even though singing is hard much of the time.....I know that the first song I will sing again in church as a solo will be "Great is Thy Faithfulness".  
The summer is going fast and the days are flying by with lots of things to see and do.  I am enjoying my children, grandchildren and friends who have been keeping in touch by email, facebook or visits.  My girls have set up meals to be brought during my "hard" week.  Agustin is always by my side and encouraging me that I am going to get better.  I, deep inside, believe that when God is ready, He will do what His will is and we all have to be willing to accept it.  I have seen recently with friends who are dealing with these same issues, getting better, or getting worse, that we all don't know when our time will come.   I so appreciate all the care and love shown toward me.
I am especially looking forward now to my sister's and George's wedding which will be at Peakland Baptist on August 12.   A grand celebration for them both who have been through so much (the death of their spouses).  Both of their families will be adjusting to lots of new "family members".   George has 4 children and 14 grandchildren, Margie has 3 children and 6 grandchildren.
They both believe the Lord has called them together in love and companionship.  What a precious gift God has given them now to form a new couple at their ages, bringing them together after all these years.                          ❤❤❤