Tomorrow....Chemo treatment #4

Suddenly I am feeling down, defeated...I cannot understand why because I have felt so good all week,  no pain or bloating, didn't have long side effects from the last treatment, only had to have  one extra liter of fluid the day I got my pump off, got a call from Dr. Paul soon after the last treatment telling me my "tumor marker" went way down, and she has never seen that happen so fast to anyone.
So, why am I sad?  I am still trying to keep positive, faithful to my loving Lord and cheerful.  But, I still cry!  I suddenly remember psychologically the side effects of the chemo that start gradually tomorrow, even though I am given anti-nausea medicine that is supposed to last 2 days.  I have learned that I will not take Zofran this time.  It makes me feel worse, even though it helps with nausea, it doesn't help my head:)
 I will stick to phenergan. I just felt a wave of defeat when I thought that tomorrow I sit there for 4 hours and get the drugs pumped in drip drip drip.  But, I do have to tell myself the truth that those drugs seem to be helping my situation, even though it makes me feel discouraged during the side effects which are brought to my mind tonight, the night before.
A very considerate friend from our church who has had cancer and chemo for over 8 years, gave me 3 books last week to read.  I already have several other books I haven't even started from another concerned friend.
The one book I have read was so helpful to me.  IT is called  "A Reason for Hope" by Dr. Michael Barry.    I just brought it here to the computer. One of the things the book stresses is the better we feel, the better our immune system helps us to heal.  Our caregivers and loved ones are a big influence on helping us through this with their attitudes and their encouragement
Last night we had a family gathering at Ruthie's to celebrate William's 15th birthday which comes the end of this week.  Ruthie and Bill decided to make it an early celebration for the family since I would not be able to participate in a few days.  I am grateful❤    
Back to the book!   "With warmth and wisdom, Dr. Barry offers the reader scientific evidence and Scriptural principles that fuel the will to live and build the hope that can heal.  If you have cancer....or are in a support role to someone who does...here is A Reason for Hope."
And here is my prayer for tonight taken from this book:  
"Father, replace all of my pessimism with optimism, fearfulness with hopefulness.  As Jesus healed the man with the withered hand, heal my withered attitude and fill me with hope, as well as a desire to meet You in the midst of my pain and worry.  In  Jesus' name, I pray, Amen."