Thoughts early Thanksgiving Morning

I woke up last night at 2:30 AM, not feeling very well.   I could not go back to sleep.  I had a slight gnawing pain in my abdomen and I thought if I took a Tramadol it would help me go back to sleep, but it did not.  I laid there praying and thinking.   I was thinking about the upcoming chemo starting and all the side effects that are connected with it.  It is a strong chemo that is very toxic.  I thought, how can I go through this?   Why do I think I have to go through this at my age and with the kind of cancer I have?  It is inoperable and is not curable totally.   I do have some good quality  life right now with certain set-backs but generally good.  I can go swimming at the "Y", I can go out sometimes, generally, with pain meds, etc, do things I feel like doing.  I imagine that when I start chemo, I will not be able or feel like doing any of that?   Is that worth the time I will be saving by adding a few months more to my life but enduring chemo which will rob me of some good quality time?
This whole dilemma struck me before I knew what hit me about 4 weeks ago.  I had always said to myself, if I ever find myself in the position of incurable cancer, would I in fact go for the chemo or just go for hospice when it got to that point?
I told the oncologist last week to set me up for the chemo.  I am to get the port in next Friday and go for the chemo counseling next Tuesday.  Chemo would start Dec.5, Monday.   I am getting very insecure about this whole prospect. I feel embarrassed that I told her to go ahead and now I am having such torn feelings about it.
I am 75, feel younger than I am, but realize the statistics out there say I won't have more than about 6 months if I don't start chemo....but, hey, starting chemo may add only a few months or more and what kind of quality of life would I have going through all of that?
 In the synagogue service they sing a very sweet song by Debbie Friedman which keeps going through my head this morning called  Mi Shebeirach avoteinu:

Mi shebeirach avoteinu
M'kor hab'racha l'imoteinu
May the source of strength,
Who blessed the ones before us,
Help us find the courage to make our lives a blessing,
and let us say, Amen.

Mi shebeirach imoteinu
M'kor habrachah l'avoteinu

Bless those in need of healing with r'fuah sh'leimah,
The renewal of body, the renewal of spirit,
And let us say, Amen